Sad Longread About Why I Don't Make Music (Almost)
OK? OK, good. Also, the text below has descriptions of illness and its effects on my body, so if you don't like them - better not read on. Otherwise, continue.
One outcome of this feedback loop is some nice, from some point of view, tunes for that small group of people who actually do listen to me (thank you a lot). Other outcome of this is loads of self hatred. I dump a whole ton of accusations on myself on daily basis, guilt-trip myself for not being productive, and so on and so forth.
Not that we all musicians and artists don't get it. We all do, sometimes, but for me this is a constant process, which also branches out to really unhealthy extents. Like, not being able to call my art any other word than "piece of shit" and call myself insulting words only inside my head is just, not good at all. It shouldn't be like that. But i am used to that, and i'd continue living on with it, probably, if not one thing.
At new year 2019 time, when i was back home in my country, my two fingers' skin went all red and irritated. I eased it out with some non-heavy kind-of-organic treatments, and it was gone, so i thought. Later on, in my dorm, it reappeared, but i paid no attention - it went away once, will go away now as well. But this time it progressed slowly and steadily. At that time i was making Life, Love and Happiness (LLH) under Astro The Fox, and also was loaded with university tasks - so i decided to ignore it and continue working. I was maniacal over LLH; finally i found my last mana barrels to burn on finishing all the bright and cool ideas i was having for last year or so. I thought that this time, with SUCH an amazing release, i will get noticed - after carrying out THE TUNES V while having no computer at all, just because i can, and Algorithm Dude's Speedcore Album, which i made in 5 days just cause someone told me people like meme speedcore (and so do i.)
I had a lot of fun producing LLH, but then i released the thing. It didn't get nearly as much attention as i planned, i dropped into yet another week of being a depressive pile of garbage, and then i noticed that my fingers and hand partially, in fact, resemble a rotting pile of meat way more than fingers. First thought was fungi, so i bought a treatment - it helped a bit, but still i went to a doctor, and this is why i am writing this right now.
Basically, it's eczema. I told parents, and they said they thought it's gonna happen again someday - i was getting this when i was stressed out as a kid, it turns out. It didn't happen for more than 15 years, but i put so much pressure on myself that i literally started dissolving. I noticed i was starting to "rot" similarly in a bunch of other places. So i decided to understand wtf is happening to me.
After a bit of time, i caught myself hating myself for not being able to make music because it was too painful to press the keys on the keyboard. I was hating myself for being a coward and not being able to ignore that pain in order to make tunes. And suddenly, i realized that i basically am killing myself, and this isn't a way to be. This is where we get to the main point of this longread.
I am not stopping to be an audio person. Nor am i saying "Elysian Tunes is over, go home" to you there. But what i definitely am saying, that as of now, i definitely am dragging myself out of this hell cycle.
Last 1.5 years i was finishing my unfinished scribbles and fulfilling my older dreams and ideas, ocasionally doing some random fun stuff - i was using my previous thoughts as "building material" for new stuff just for the sake of making it. I had no new "full" ideas, even though some stuff i released is definitely new views and approaches - and the old stuff, finally, ended. The last thing i released - "Breeze My Mind REMIXED" as Curlwond, was something planned one and a half year ago.
Now my head completely empty, and some time ago i was each day hating myself for it, calling myself all sorts of bad words. It only made me more depressed and angry, but a habit is a habit. Then one day, a friend of mine hit my right spot at right time, and i told them everything; in response, they told me what this all looks like. Only then did i realize that i've been in a downwards going cycle for more than a year, and am only making it worse. I decided to force-shift my mind on things, because basically: even my physical health is damaged already.
It's tough work now, stopping to do all of that - grabbing myself by hand the moment before i punch my own jaw, basically. But i'm progressing, and things are becoming a bit better. This comes at a cost. I am not doing almost anything audio-related, am not having any ideas. For the first time in one and a half year i have absolutely no albums on the backburner, and - you can't believe how happy i am about it. I didn't feel fresh and alive about making music (and i don't feel that way about life in general more than once a few months), used to hate myself for it, but now it's just a fact. I'm working on it to become just a fact, to later find out what do i actually want. Cause really? I have no clue why i make all those sounds. I do like making audio, but why doesn't it make me happy then? Do i use it as a runaway from me being about to cry almost any given moment, just like work for the university, or is it actually what i like? Right now, i am very confused. Until i find out what am i and what makes me happy, i want you all to get this one thing right:
I am not going to release anything on a set constant basis. I am not going to promote anything. I am not going to anymore hate myself for not being "up to date" and "above the surface", and am not going to force myself being so. It seems to lead to me becoming a pile of rotting meat, which is kind of bad.
With all that said, though, i am not stopping with audio. I will be making sample packs, tinkering with synths, making music only when i really really want to, and not when i want to run away from me or try to get noticed once more. I hate to say all this, but it's for my best. I'm not closing down my patreon, they will get exclusive stuff out there still, but i will not be working my ass inside out to make content for it: my productivity won't fall below zero anyways, and i know that. (i am deliberately not giving a link here. i'm not promoting shit. if you need it you will find it.)
As of now, 3-4 weeks after i started unwinding this clusterfuck, i feel a bit better. I still very frequently want to cry for no reason - i can't, though, because of gender stereotypes hammered into my head in the childhood. And in some places of my body skin rips off on its own - same as with fingers, but more easy going stuff. Fingers, though, got way better since then: i can already type sad longreads like this one, and 2 weeks ago it was painful to prepare food. Things are going to get better, but it -is- going to take time.
To sum up everything said above: i feel really shitty and am working on it, don't expect any releases soon - they may or may not happen and this is a random event, and my body is dissolving a bit less day by day, which is good.
The list can go even longer, so go and search. I don't promise any content and will put my forces on first of all regenerating and understanding, but something nice might also happen. Who knows? I don't.